101 Uses for a Shinai
by mcangel1976
Summary: Side story to my Bitter series, but can be read as a stand alone. Satoshi made a joke to Kyoya that there were 101 uses for a shinai. Kyoya asked him to write them down that they could be sold to the customers for extra profit. He did as he was asked and here is the result. The first chapter lists all 101 uses and the following chapters are one shots that go with them.
1. The List

**Disclaimer… I do not own Ouran High School Host Club or its characters, but I will do what I can to use them for both yours and mine entertainment. **

**A/N: This is the side story to Bitter 2: Mori's Bitter Days. You asked for it and Satoshi has been gracious enough to supply it. Here are the 101 uses for a shinai. Some are stupid/goofy and some I can actually see happening, but this is Satoshi and he is a character. True? Thank you to stylewriter565 and Mialiin for helping with some of these. Enjoy it and let me know what you think!**

Dear Kyoya-senpai,

I told you there were 101 uses for a shinai. Here they are. You can go ahead and publish them if you want to, but I'm not sure what our customers would get out of it. Here you go anyway. The shinai is a very versatile weapon/tool. My brother and father may not agree with some of these, but that's okay. This is my list and not theirs. Haruhi, Chika, and I have tested many of these… or come up with the theory and we believe that they will work. I hope this is what you were looking for.

**1. **Kendo – well duh. It is the weapon/tool used for the sport. This is a given.

**2.** Knock manners into cousin. It is very good for making sure Yasuchika is polite and uses his manners.

**3.** Stop hissy fits/temper tantrums. As you have seen, a good whack on the head makes Tamaki-senpai shut up. It will work on others as well.

**4.** Clothes line – hey when you have nothing else, it works great!

**5.** Block people from approaching when they are not wanted. Such as keeping Tamaki-senpai a safe distance away from Haruhi. The shinai is used as an effective wall/line he is not allowed to cross when held against his chest with the slightest amount of pressure.

**6. **Pointer – Point to what you are trying to show someone or what you want someone to grab for you. Taka doesn't like me to use this method with him, but I have with Yasuchika.

**7.** Trip someone – self-explanatory and I have shown you this method. They are running towards you, aim low and they will trip over the shinai.

**8. **Pretend sword – boys will be boys and we like to pretend to sword fight all of the time. Don't let Yasuchika tell you otherwise, I always win.

**9. **Fishing pole – you only need string and a hook and you are set.

**10. **Limbo stick – how low can you go?

**11. **Fire wood – if it's broken, may as well warm yourself.

**12. **Poker - no not to poke your fire, but you can poke your friends or people that irritate you.

**13. **Noise maker – bang it against anything to make loud unruly noises. Parents and especially mothers can become quite irritated with this. Be careful.

**14. **Getting someone's attention – same concept as the noise maker, but this time with purpose.

**15.** Cool decoration – when held in your hand or on your person, you just look cooler with it.

**16. **Conversation starter – people see it and will ask about it.

**17. **Fight off a pig or other animal – not that I have tried this, but it should be very effective. It is long and sturdy and you can get in some good hits before anything can attack you.

**18. **Fight off an overzealous blond Host Club president or other person that is trying to glomp you – self-explanatory.

**19. **Knock sense into a baka – a couple whacks and they will know what they did wrong.

**20. **Wall décor – looks awesome hanging on your wall, especially when you have two crossed.

**21.** Push people – just like it says, you can push people away from you.

**22. **To make one look cool in front of your crush – one must always look cool and manly in front of the girl you like; a shinai will give you that edge.

**23. **Hockey stick – I have used it for field hockey, but I am sure you can use it on ice as well.

**24. **Golf club – my best putter.

**25.** Stick used to reach stuff that is high up – when you can't reach a shinai gives you an extra-long arm.

**26. **Knock out a light when you need it to be dark in a dangerous situation – if you are being tracked by the enemy and you find yourself in a lighted room, you can break the lights by using your shinai.

**27. **Javelin – a well-balanced shinai can sail through the air and be used as a replacement javelin for your track and field days.

**28. **Beat up bullies – great defense tool and bullies will get their just desserts.

**29. **Turn on a light switch when you don't want to get up from couch/bed – sometimes you are just lazy and it can reach, so why not.

**30. **Turn on and off the TV – if you lose your remote, it can hit the button for you.

**31. **Change channels on TV when you lose the remote control – no remote still, you have to be able to change the channel on the box somehow.

**32. **Hang purses and belts on it – Haruhi came up with this when thinking about the twins. I guess if you can use it as a clothes line, you can use it to hang your accessories or whatnot.

**33. **Lion taming – enough said. You only need a chair.

**34. **Stick to move rabble on ground outside in case of snakes and such – you never know what can be found in the brush. It is best to get it out of your way or find it before it finds you first.

**35. **Fly swatter – keeps the flies at bay.

**36. **Hold someone under water – long stick and with the right leverage, it can keep someone under water, or make it difficult for them to come back up.

**37. **Cause bruises for sympathy from your girlfriend. If she believes you were beat up, she will take care of you.

**38. **Baseball bat – Especially when playing indoors with a rubber ball or paper ball.

**39. **Hit a pair of twins simultaneously – Twins like to do things together and this will ensure they are hit together. It has been tested out on Hikaru-senpai and Kaoru-senpai.

**40. **Flag pole – all you have to do is attach the flag and you're done.

**41. **Draw line in sand in order to challenge someone – Tamaki-senpai used a stick, but I say a shinai is more effective and intimidating.

**42. **Baby toy – even babies like to swing them around.

**43. **Tie a string and dog toy at end, and let pet dog go crazy – works every time.

**44. **Tie catnip on end and watch cat get high – very effective.

**45. **Door stop – to keep my door from closing when the windows are open and I have lost my door stop.

**46. **Door lock – when I want to keep everyone out. Even if they pick the lock, they can't enter.

**47. **Theft deterrent – if a thief is brave enough to enter, they will get a beating. Nobody wants that.

**48. **Break glass – yes it will. Be careful when around breakables. Mothers don't like their nick nacs broken.

**49. **Dent a car/sledge hammer when you want to get revenge – you will break your shinai, but you will damage the car with dents and scratches in the process.

**50. **Pirate costume accessory – every pirate needs a sword.

**51. **Stick to stir laundry when washing by hand – this is another Haruhi one. She said when the clothes are soaking you have to keep them moving in the hot water, so you need a stick or paddle. A shinai will also work.

**52. **Knock out someone – a well-placed hit to the head will knock even someone like Taka out.

**53. **Break an arm or leg – if you hit any appendage hard enough, you can break bones.

**54. **Rescue someone from drowning – a stick for the victim to grab onto as you pull them to safety (it might or might not be the person you were holding under).

**55.** Knock fruit out of tree – throw it up and watch it and the fruit come down.

**56. **Lance during a joust – imagine it, you are riding a horse and this is your trusty lance.

**57. **Throw in tree and scare off birds – birds are annoying. This will get rid of them.

**58. **Tie a rope and use as a grappling hook – throw it on the roof and you can scale walls.

**59. **Brother bonding time – Taka and I spar all of the time. It is quality time together in the dojo.

**60. **Dueling – even outside of the dojo, sometimes you are called to fight.

**61. **Secret weapon for secret super hero identity – I can't explain this further. If I did, I might have to kill you.

**62. **Discipline – if someone is getting out of line, you use this and they will straighten up their act. Yasuchika knows this well.

**63. **Digging in dirt – if you don't want to get your hands dirty and you don't have a shovel, you can use a shinai.

**64. **Mash potatoes or other veggies – beat the veggies until they are mush.

**65. **Kill bugs/spiders (Ranka says that Tamaki-senpai is included in this) – enough said.

**66. **Used to stop a blond idiot from using puppy dog eyes – hit the offender and you won't succumb to those eyes. How does he always reel in everyone? I just don't get it.

**67. **Self-defense training – it is a weapon and can be used in self-defense training and fighting.

**68. **Used to stop brother bonding time gone wrong (twins fighting or Hunny and Chika battling) – too much togetherness can sometimes lead to fights. This will help break it up.

**69. **Kendo demo for Host Club customers – the customers love it.

**70. **When placed on the ground in front of Tamaki or someone else you are irritated with, you can watch them roll around and lose their balance much like in the cartoons.

**71. **Curtain rod – if your rod has broken or you are missing one, you can use a shinai.

**72.** Walking stick/cane – it makes a great walking stick when you are walking in the country.

**73. **Smash boxes to make them small so they can fit in the garbage – this will also allow you to get rid of some of your frustrations.

**74. **To cuddle like a stuffed toy – it was other people, not me! I will never admit to it, but others… I repeat others have slept/cuddled with their shinai like my cousin cuddles with Usa-Chan.

**75.** Rug beater – you have to get the dirt out of the rugs using something.

**76. **Used to give Usa-Chan back to Black Hunny from a safe distance away – my cousin is sometimes dangerous. This will give him Usa-Chan without you getting your arm chewed off.

**77. **Help straighten the star on top of the Christmas tree – for those that have a tree, if it is crooked, a shinai can be used to straighten it.

**78. **Bookmark – sometimes we need to mark our place.

**79. **Threaten unwanted visitors (such as those from the Host Club or Otakus) – waiving around a shinai is enough of a threat that they will leave on their own usually. Some are harder to get rid of and that is when you can actually hit them.

**80. **Escape the tight embrace of a certain blond president – Haruhi can use it to make her escape.

**81.** Ring doorbell – if you have it, use it.

**82.** Break lock on an old trunk – if you can't open a truck due to an old lock, a well-placed hit with a shinai, should get rid of the problem for you.

**83. **Hold gas pedal down in car instead of brick when you want car to drive itself like they do in the movies - Umm, I didn't really try this one… local punks drove the car into the lake. It didn't drive itself there. I can tell you that this does work.

**84. **Stir cake batter – if you don't have anything else.

**85. **Stress reliever when hitting a dummy – a dummy can be alive like Tamaki or the twins, or a real dummy a plastic man/bale of hay.

**86. **Throw into an automatic door or moving object in order to jam it so you can make your escape or prevent it from moving further – I got this from watching spy movies. LOL.

**87. **Turn off the smoke alarm – beats having to get out the ladder or stand on a chair.

**88.** Twirl like a baton – no explanation needed.

**89. **Hammer – a shinai can beat nails too.

**90. **Can be used in a food fight to bat the food towards other people – it will keep most of the food away from you and allows you to participate while practicing your swings.

**91. **Pretend you are a Japanese samurai – because they used to use them in practice.

**92. **Stamp out cigarette butts – I don't want to get my shoe or foot dirty.

**93. **Boat oar – it can paddle you back to shore.

**94. **Drum stick – it can beat a drum just as much as a real drum stick.

**95. **Large shish kabob stick – think about it. A couple whole chickens or what have you.

**96. **Unmasking a super villain – rips the mask right off without you getting too close. Again, I cannot explain further without having to kill you for knowing too much.

**97. **Short bow staff – if you left yours at home, a shinai can be a replacement in a pinch.

**98. **Back scratcher – for those hard to reach spots.

**99. **Practice spear throwing techniques/target practice – you have to be able to hit a target. This will allow you to do that without anyone being stabbed.

**100. **Run around in your underwear waving it around and watch everyone's reactions. They will think you are completely crazy and you get to have fun messing with them.

**101. **Toilet paper holder while you are in the middle of the woods camping – this is so your paper doesn't get dirty on the ground and you always know where it is.


	2. Number 100 - Kyoya Goes Crazy

**A/N: You asked for it and here it is. #100 and the winner of the poll was Kyoya. So I hope you get a chuckle out of this and I will be writing the others as time permits. BTW… Since this is a side story to the Bitter series (mainly Bitter2: Mori's Bitter Days), the characters and pairing will follow that story and its timeline. These can still be read without reading the series though. However, for those that do read Bitter2, this first one will be set around the time of publication and it is the weekend after the twins "ordeal". Enjoy!**

**_#100… Run around in your underwear waving it around and watch everyone's reactions. They will think you are completely crazy and you get to have fun messing with him._**

Kyoya read over the list Satoshi had given him once again before he submitted it to a publisher to compile the copies so that they could be sold again. There were several that gave him a good laugh and many thoughts (including what the hell does this kid do in his free time), but #100 was stuck in his mind. Now, if it was on the list, he had no doubt that the youngest Morinozuka had performed that task and did it to the best of his ability (just as he was sure Satoshi was the one that slept with the shinai and was the one that put the car in the lake, but Kyoya couldn't prove that… yet). As the Shadow King thought about it more and more, he wanted to try it out; he wanted to see everyone's face as he did something so out of character and crazy, that he would freak out his own friends and leave them quaking in fear (umm, we meant believing Kyoya was crazy, you believe us right?... meaning Kyoya and I)

Hitting the send button, the list was not on its way and would be ready by Monday afternoon and it could go on sale as early as Tuesday, but Kyoya decided he was going to perform #100 personally. He would need an accomplice though, and he knew the perfect person… the man who compiled the list was the best person for the job. Glancing at the clock, the vice president knew it wasn't too late to call and picked up his phone. As soon as the other line was answered, he spoke, "Satoshi, it's Kyoya. I have a little proposition for you."

Satoshi could tell that the Shadow King was up to something, and he wanted to know exactly what that was because he figured if he was on the planning end, he would not be on the receiving end, and that was always a better place to be when it concerned the bespectacled teen. Running his had through his hair, he asked, "Sure Kyoya-senpai, what can I do for you?"

"It's about this list you sent me."

"Oh is something wrong with it?"

"No, quite the contrary. I believe the ladies will enjoy it immensely. I know I did. What I want to discuss with you is in reference to item #100 in particular."

Feeling his face start to glow, Satoshi rubbed the back of his neck and timidly asked, "Yes? What about it?" He could remember when he tried that very item. He was frustrated with the kendo team, Chika was being overly rude to everyone, he was stressed from finals, and he just needed to let off a little steam; so he decided he was going to pull a little joke on everyone. He had been a second year in middle school and it happened right after kendo practice. His team, Chika, some other students, Hunny, and his brother were all present when he acted like an idiot. Mori chuckled, Hunny fell to the ground holding his sides laughing so hard he was crying, Chika looked like he was about to have a brain hemorrhage, the students laughed, and his team thought he had completely lost it and almost voted him out as captain; but the look on all of their faces had been worth it. He was actually surprised more people didn't hear about his little "event".

"I would like to try it, but I want someone to help me get everyone's reactions on film. I will naturally have cameras set up in strategic locations, but I need to make sure I get the shots. I also want you help with setting it up."

"Um, are you sure senpai? It isn't that I don't believe you, but it isn't exactly… well you."

"Precisely, and for that reason, no one will suspect anything. For the most camera exposure, the club room would be the most logical location, or is it better elsewhere?"

The first year high school student was shocked; Kyoya was serious about going through with this plan. Had Tamaki finally sent him over the edge? This was definitely something that no one would believe even if he tried to tell them. Sighing, Satoshi shook his head, "Well, it depends on how many people you want to see you and what your goal is."

"Where were you when you ran around like that?"

"Who said…?"

Chuckling, Kyoya interrupted him, "I am sure that if it is on this list, you did it or you wouldn't know it would work. I believe you tested every single one of these; now if you don't want to confess, that is your business, but know that I can come up with proof if I need to."

Satoshi knew he had been put in checkmate by the master play maker and sighed, "I did it at school after kendo practice when most of the student body had gone home. It was a joke because the team was messing around and wouldn't listen, and Yasuchika was being an ass… more so than usual."

"So they were your main audience?"

"That was the plan, but I ran around the dojo and then outside and back inside. Needless to say there were a few students still lingering, so it wound up being the team, others I really didn't know, both cousins, and my brother. Some believed it to be some sort of funny joke, and the others thought I had cracked. Who do you want to scare?"

"I believe just the members of the club will suffice. Since we have a club meeting next week Monday, we can do it then. Tamaki or the twins will undoubtedly do something before or during the meeting, I can strip down in front of them and act like I have lost it. It will also be before the list is made public, and therefore they will be clueless."

"Kyoya-senpai, it is Thursday now. That only gives us a few days to set everything up," Satoshi pointed out in case his senior really had lost it and forgot what day it was.

"I am fully aware of our timeframe. The club room already has cameras set up in many locations. If you can stay after tomorrow, I will point them out to you. I would have suggested it for last week, but we had to deal with the twins," Kyoya chuckled.

Satoshi sweat dropped as a chill creeped up and down his spine, and he knew never wanted to go against the Shadow King of Ouran, it was deadly to do so. "I can stay."

Feeling the excitement infuse him, Kyoya stated, "Excellent! I will see you tomorrow then. Do you know if your brother will be joining us tomorrow?"

"I think Taka-bro and Mitsukuni are going to try to come the last half of club time because he and Haruhi have a date tomorrow night and Mitsukuni has something planned with Yasuchika."

"I will make sure to have a couple extra cakes on hand then. Thank you for your help, I will talk to you tomorrow."

"Bye senpai!" Satoshi hung up the phone and shook his head. Kyoya trying #100… was the world about to end?

The next day, true to his word, Satoshi stayed after the club members were dismissed for the day and Kyoya pointed out all of the cameras. They discussed if additional ones were needed and where to put a couple video cameras. Everything was ready for Monday afternoon, and the majority of the other club members (and let's face it my dear readers, even the ones who have experienced this feat before) wouldn't know what hit them.

Monday afternoon arrived and just as Kyoya predicted, the twins had started picking on Tamaki before the Host Club opened for business. They only took a break while the customers were present and then once the customers left, they went right back to it. Tamaki cried to Kyoya time and time again, and when the blond whined and latched himself onto his best friend, Kyoya pushed Tamaki away from him, threw down his infamous black book (of course he made sure it landed closed), and ripped off his clothes so that he was in nothing but his boxers. He already had the shinai in hand because he had already used it once on Tamaki and each of the twins.

Screaming, Kyoya ran around the room and three members of the club thought that the vice president has completely lost it. Tamaki was asking them all if they should call a psychiatrist and the hospital. The twins were huddling together crying about how much "mommy" was scaring them. "This is your fault Tono!" They declared.

"My fault? How is this my fault?" Tamaki yelled. He tried to get his friends attention, "Now mommy, it will be alright. We will get you the help you need. Mon Ami? Mommy? Kyoya?" With each title, Tamaki got a little louder until he was shouting. He was at a loss and passed out, his soul floating out of him.

"What are we going to do Hikaru?" Kaoru questioned his brother.

Hikaru was at a loss, "I don't know Kaoru. Mommy has lost it and the daddy is passed out!"

Chika watched everything and then rounded on his cousin and hissed, "You! You told him what to do! Why is he doing it? Who is he trying to get?"

Laughing, Satoshi was only grateful that the twins and Tamaki weren't listening, "I only gave him my list of what you could do with a shinai and he wanted to try it. I think it is pretty funny myself."

Hunny had been completely shocked that Kyoya would do something like this and his jaw dropped to the floor. When he recovered from that, he kept shaking his head and finally began to giggle. It was probably funnier seeing Kyoya do it than it had been Satoshi. It was definitely more shocking.

Mori had his arm wrapped around Haruhi and could feel her laughing; he was chuckling too, just not as obviously. Glancing down at her, he could see the twinkle in her eye and knew she was up to something. He leaned forward when she crooked her finger, "What?"

"Is this what you were telling me about with Satoshi is middle school?" Haruhi asked.

Nodding, Mori laughed, "It is."

Haruhi kissed him on the cheek, "Don't be mad about this, but it was already planned with Satoshi and Kyoya-senpai. I love you."

Mori was confused. What was going on? Then he watched as the female host (and his fiancée) stripped down to what looked to be her underwear (and if you weren't really looking, it did look like a bra and panties, but was really a bikini dear reader), and started running around like she was crazy too. She had even pulled a shinai out of thin air.

The twins both got nose bleeds, deadpanned, screamed, and then keeled over. Their souls started to come out of their mouths and they turned chalky white.

Tamaki had started to recover, but as soon as he saw Haruhi he squealed, "Har-Haru… underwear… no clothes… naked!" His nose started to bleed as well and he once again passed out and his soul decided to take another vacation.

Chika and Hunny deadpanned and couldn't believe what they were seeing. They both turned to Mori whose shoulders were shaking with mirth as he shook his head at the sight.

By this time, Satoshi had fallen to the ground and could barely breathe. He was holding his side and couldn't control his laughter. This had turned out better than he thought.

When Kyoya and Haruhi stopped their little act, they realized they had a puddle of blood surrounding three unconscious bodies, and the female host gave the vice president a very pointed look, "I am not cleaning that up and I will not be blamed for it. This was your plan."

"Duly noted. Well, since we are shy three hosts, I think we can skip the meeting today. Dismissed," Kyoya chuckled as he went to the back room to change back into his uniform.

Pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt she had in her school bag, Haruhi stepped over the bodies in the middle of the floor and grinned, "Are we all ready to go?"

It was just another day in the Ouran High School Host Club.

**Omake:**

That night as Kyoya watched the videos from the two cameras he and Satoshi had install, he relived the entire event and found it even more amusing now that he got to see everyone's reactions. The best part was when Haruhi stripped down and joined him. He had to admit, he didn't anticipate the reaction that caused; he had been expecting Tamaki to go into daddy mode and Haruhi to throw him or hit him, or the twins to try and stop her. Instead of any of that, they all stared, bled profusely, and then lost their souls. Reviewing the pictures from the cameras, the Shadow King smiled… they had enough for at least two new issues of photo books. Acting crazy really did have some perks at times, and could be profitable. He went to bed with a beaming smile on his face.


End file.
